How do we survive right now?
How can I engage in kink with everything going on?
These emotions are overwhelming!
Joy and connection (like we get in the rope community!) are vital survival fuel. However, they can be hard to find when we are overwhelmed by fear and anxiety. As a therapist, I am practiced in holding space for the terrible all day, before I come home to the recharging joy of snuggling and playing with my wife and other partners. I’d like to share some of the skills I use to sit with the bad but be recharged by the good with you, my community.
DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) talk about the importance of acceptance/not fighting reality. There is an important distinction between accepting and condoning. We do not say what’s happening is okay, but we acknowledge that it IS happening, and it’s horrible. This helps us avoid wasting energy saying this shouldn’t be, without any power to change it. Accepting that things are upsetting allows us to focus on what we do have influence over. For now that’s community, our own homes, and our own bodies.
What are some ways to survive?
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Finding Joy and Connection.
Joy and connection give us the strength to stand against what makes us afraid, but it’s important not to do this by “faking it.” It’s easy to get frozen, overwhelmed or burned out by all the other strong feelings right now. To prevent that, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy embraces the both/and concept. Hold horror in one hand AND joy in the other. You can feel both, you beautiful complex creature, you
I am afraid right now. My wife has an X ID marker, I can’t (or shouldn’t) get one, and I have clients whose passports were taken when they requested accurate gender marker updates, trapping them in the country. I feel disgusted. For that and so many other reasons! There are so many strong emotions. And yet, though it disgusts me, we will get her an ID with an M on it so she can get a passport. AND, I will go to conventions and the dungeon community and keep connecting in joyful ways.
Keep reaching for that rope or that sex toy or that partner’s ass! Keep going to the meetups and anything else that brings you community. Joy is an act of rebellion. Feeling joy energizes you to protect your joy. We don’t run on forcing ourselves to do things, we run on desire for things. When we lose joy, hope follows, and that’s when we really lose our power to create the world we want. The good news is joy is also contagious.
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Find ways to encourage a sense of PHYSICAL safety.
So, what does a functional response to fear look like and how do I manage it? First, keeping the body calm lets us use more of our skills. Convincing the body that we are safe is what convinces the emotions/the mind. The emotional brain doesn’t only communicate in words, it needs evidence.This skill comes from seeing emotions for what they are: information. I hate that old phrase, “the only thing to fear is fear itself.” It’s more effectively stated, “the only thing to fear is a dysfunctional response to fear.”
-In the moment, deep breathing as often as possible helps. Specifically, inhaling through the nose and exhaling on an Ahhhhh vowel (to relax the vagus nerve) helps to re-regulate when we are upset.
-Preventatively, getting sleep, food, and movement regularly gives us the resources to handle challenges and keep a physical equilibrium. If we are already low on resources, emotions are harder to handle.
-Taking time with soft comfort objects, loved ones hugging or cuddling, or engaging in somatic yoga… or going to rope events and getting wrapped up in a big rope hug :D….. Are also all wonderful ways to convince the body that we are safe.
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Use emotions like information
Once the body is calm, we can keep it that way using emotion like any other kind of information. Many people try to push emotions away so they can problem solve. This may seem imperative, and it IS the beginning of compartmentalizing! But it’s only half of the skill that’s needed. We can build on this with one small behavioral tweak, that’s huge philosophically. Ready to have your mind blown?
The next time you feel like telling your emotions to go away so you can function, just say “thank you” instead.
Thank you for the information. I see it, I will be cautious and informed.
Why/how does this work? Logic brain is present-focused. Emotion brain is sourced mostly in the past, bringing to this moment a network of experiences from your whole life. These don’t always connect logically, so they can be difficult to understand or use.
Like, let’s say you have a childhood memory of accidentally killing a pet hamster. Then you have your first crush and you suddenly feel terrified of hurting that person and ruining it. You could…
A. let that fear paralyze you, avoid everything and never have love.
B. tell yourself it’s silly and try to function on intellect alone, but doubt pops up often from “nowhere,” undermining your relationship.
Or C. notice the feeling of fear and say thank you. I will be cautious of this person’s needs and work hard to keep them safe.
Obviously, the most functional answer is C.
Ignoring an emotion might make it yell louder for attention. So instead, look at what the emotion is trying to do for you, take that help, and it may be easier to let the rest go.
Common smart/analytical person trap: It does NOT matter in that moment WHY you felt something. You don’t need to remember the hamster from the earlier example. I don’t need to remember every related trauma around my gender when I hear another executive order. I just need to thank my brain for the caution, and act accordingly. Asking WHY you feel something often leads to confusing rabbit holes and, while cool, is less important than just believing there IS a reason, even if you don’t know it.*
Accept the emotion, and acknowledge how that feeling is trying to protect you in this moment. You do not need to understand why, and you do not need to “make the fear go away.” Be afraid! It will keep you cautious. It will help you protect your joy, and make good practical plans.
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Practical planning.
Take a little time aside, as uncomfortable as it may be, to look at all the emotions coming up and what practical fears are present. What ARE the worst case scenarios you are fearing? How WOULD you deal with them if they happened? Make a disaster prep plan. So you feel prepared for the worst, and no longer have to spend precious energy being anxious about it day and night, not knowing what you’ll do.
THEN, indulge in some BEST case scenario thinking! What is the best possible outcome? Lastly, bring yourself back down to the ground by thinking about what the most LIKELY scenario is. This is the one you actually expect. But, now you are prepared for the worst as well. This tends to relieve a lot of anxiety brain antics, and helps make space in your mind for connecting with others.
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Finding your people
Using all these skills will make it easier to have the energy to continue to interact with others and find much needed connection and social support. In times like these, it is more important than ever to find your people. To connect in meaningful ways. To share ideas. For me, the rope and kink community are a great place for meaningful connection. Engaging here reminds me that even though things can feel so depressing and so isolating, we are not alone. Rope especially helps me physically feel connected… and as mentioned, that means my emotional side actually believes it. Finding people and community fuels badass powerhouses like you.
Stay safe, and Happy Kinking,
Adora
* In trauma work, we may go back and figure out the “why” of an emotion or pattern so that we can try to create new patterns instead of dysfunctional ones. But, it’s not important to do that for patterns that are currently functioning well to protect you and keep you functional. This is also a major difference in philosophy between Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and DBT, which focuses more on the contribution of emotions, rather than just thoughts and behaviors alone like CBT.